--- title: "How to Stop People-Pleasing: The Fawn Response Behind It" description: Is your people-pleasing a fawn response? Learn why it started, how it links to ADHD and autism, and how to stop people-pleasing without losing your kindness. image: https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/PeoplePleasingFawnResponse.webp --- [Skip to main content](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/how-to-stop-people-pleasing-fawn-response#main-content) [![Becoming Yourself Logo - Secondary](https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/Becoming%20Yourself%20Logo%20-%20Secondary.svg) ![Becoming Yourself Logo - Secondary](https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/Becoming%20Yourself%20Logo%20-%20Secondary.svg) ![Becoming Yourself Logo - Secondary](https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/Becoming%20Yourself%20Logo%20-%20Secondary.svg) ![Becoming Yourself Logo - Secondary](https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/Becoming%20Yourself%20Logo%20-%20Secondary.svg)](https://becomingyourself.com) - [Home](https://becomingyourself.com) - [Services & Approach](https://becomingyourself.com/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy-ontario) - [Our Team](https://becomingyourself.com/team) - [Contact](https://becomingyourself.com/contact) - [Blog](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself) Open main navigation Close main navigation - [Home](https://becomingyourself.com) - [Services & Approach](https://becomingyourself.com/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy-ontario) - [Our Team](https://becomingyourself.com/team) - [Contact](https://becomingyourself.com/contact) - [Blog](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself) - [FREE Meet & Greet](https://becomingyourself.janeapp.com/#/list) [FREE Meet & Greet](https://becomingyourself.janeapp.com/#/list) [Blog](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself) Tags - [Autism](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/autism) - [neurodiversity-affirming therapy](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy) - [Identity and Self](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/identity-and-self) - [ADHD](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/adhd) - [Burnout and Masking](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/burnout-and-masking) - [AuDHD](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/audhd) - [Therapy for gifted adults](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/therapy-for-gifted-adults) Search - [Autism](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/autism) - [neurodiversity-affirming therapy](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy) - [Identity and Self](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/identity-and-self) - [ADHD](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/adhd) - [Burnout and Masking](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/burnout-and-masking) - [AuDHD](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/audhd) - [Therapy for gifted adults](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/therapy-for-gifted-adults) [RSD](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/rsd) [neurodiversity-affirming therapy](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy) [Unmasking](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/unmasking) [Trauma and Co-occurring](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/trauma-and-co-occurring) [Relationships and Boundaries](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/relationships-and-boundaries) # How to Stop People-Pleasing — When It Once Kept You Safe ![How to Stop People-Pleasing — When It Once Kept You Safe](https://becomingyourself.com/hs-fs/hubfs/PeoplePleasingFawnResponse.webp?width=1200&height=820&name=PeoplePleasingFawnResponse.webp) You said yes before you checked whether there was anything left to say yes with. You apologized for something that wasn't yours. You rehearsed a conversation three times so that no one could possibly be displeased by it. You read the room so carefully that by the time you left, you weren't sure you had been in it at all. And somewhere underneath the exhaustion, a quieter question: *who am I when I'm not managing how everyone feels about me?* **People-pleasing is a pattern of putting other people's needs, comfort and approval ahead of your own, often because keeping others happy was once the most reliable way to stay safe, connected or loved. It isn't weakness, and it isn't fakeness.** Learning how to stop people-pleasing usually starts with understanding what the pattern has been protecting you from, rather than forcing yourself to say no. From there, change tends to come in small steps: noticing the automatic yes without shame, checking old fears against present relationships, practising low-stakes honesty, and expecting guilt as a sign of change *By Michael Holker, MSW, RSW, and Euodia Leung, MSW, RSW · Registered Social Workers at Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting, a virtual therapy practice for adults across Ontario · Published October 2026* Most advice on this topic skips that second part. It jumps straight to boundary scripts and "just say no" — and then wonders why the advice doesn't stick. In our experience, it doesn't stick because people-pleasing is not a habit sitting on the surface of a life. It is a strategy woven into the nervous system, and strategies that once kept us safe do not release their grip just because we've decided they're inconvenient. My colleague [Euodia Leung](https://becomingyourself.com/euodia-leung), who works with self-esteem and people-pleasing, asks almost everyone she works with the same question, sooner or later: *So, what has helped you get through until now?* For many people, somewhere on that list, often near the top, is this: being pleasing. This post grew out of the conversations she and I have had about that answer. This is how she puts it: “People often enter the counselling room ready to explain what has gone wrong and why they think they are struggling. We naturally build stories about our experiences. Asking what helped you get through until now can be surprisingly difficult to answer, especially when someone has spent a long time feeling they had little choice in their circumstances. But as we stay with the question, we notice resilience and "the strategies that helped **someone** feel safe, connected or loved.**”**" For someone who people-pleases, the answer might sound something like: “I’d jump in to keep the peace, or help, to avoid another fight at home." That doesn’t mean the strategy was wrong or that we need to get rid of it. It means it served a purpose. The more time we spend with this question, the more we can uncover how coping strategies can outlive the problems they helped us cope with. ## What Are the Signs of People-Pleasing? People-pleasing is easy to caricature and harder to recognize in ourselves, partly because from the outside it looks like virtue. Fawning isn't always obvious. Sometimes it looks like being the dependable one, the easygoing one, or the person who never makes a fuss. It can show up as: - **Automatically saying yes**, before you've had a chance to consider your own needs, energy, or capacity. - **Apologizing excessively**, even when you've done nothing wrong or aren't responsible for what happened. - **Feeling responsible for other people's emotions**, as though it's your job to keep everyone happy, comfortable, or calm. - **Rehearsing conversations in your head**, anticipating possible reactions and trying to prevent disagreement or disappointment. - **Agreeing outwardly while disagreeing inwardly**, suppressing your own thoughts, preferences, or feelings to maintain harmony. - **Feeling physically uncomfortable when someone is upset with you**, even when their mood has nothing to do with you. - **Avoiding expressing your needs or boundaries**, fearing they might inconvenience, disappoint, or upset someone. - **Becoming the dependable one**, consistently prioritizing what others need while overlooking your own limits. **The common thread?** Your sense of safety or acceptance may become tied to keeping other people comfortable. Notice, too, that every item on this list is a form of monitoring. A people-pleaser is rarely relaxed in a room. Some part of them is always scanning — reading faces, tracking tone, adjusting in real time. That scanning is the clue that we are not dealing with a personality quirk. We are dealing with a threat response. Karen Horney, writing eighty years ago, described three ways people try to feel safe in a world that has felt unsafe: moving toward others, moving against them, or moving away (Horney, 1945). People-pleasing is "moving toward" in its most polished form — a whole self organized around being needed, agreeable, and impossible to reject. Horney was careful to call these *solutions*, not defects. That distinction is the whole post. ## What Is the Fawn Response, and Why Does It F[eel Like Kindness?](https://becomingyourself.com/michael-holker) ***The fawn response is a survival reflex* *in which we appease a source of threat, rather than fighting, fleeing or freezing, by becoming agreeable, helpful and easy to be around.*** Psychotherapist [Pete Walker named it the fourth 'F'](https://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm) (Walker, 2013). — the instinct to appease a source of threat rather than fight it, flee it, or freeze before it. When escape isn't possible, and resistance isn't safe, the nervous system tries a different strategy: *if I can make you happy with me, you won't hurt me. If I can be useful, I won't be left.* Polyvagal theory offers one way of describing the same move from the inside: a body that has learned to reach for connection as the fastest route back to safety (Porges, 2011). Researchers have recently proposed the term *appeasement* for this kind of survival strategy (Bailey et al., 2023). Seen through this lens, people-pleasing is not a character flaw. It is a kind of intelligence. Somewhere along the way — often in childhood, sometimes in a relationship or environment that came later — pleasing worked. Perhaps approval was conditional, and being "good" was the price of warmth. Perhaps a caregiver's moods were unpredictable, and reading the room precisely was how you stayed ahead of the storm. Perhaps conflict was dangerous, or needs were met with irritation, or love felt like something to be earned rather than given. A child in that environment does not conclude "my environment is unsafe." A child concludes *I must become whatever keeps this stable* — and becomes remarkably skilled at it. This is why the fawn response so often gets mistaken for kindness, by the people around us and by ourselves. It uses kindness's gestures. It just runs on fear instead of choice. In Internal Family Systems language, the pleaser is a protector — a part that took on a job when we were small and has been doing it faithfully ever since (Schwartz, 2021). Protectors don't retire because we criticize them. They retire when they are understood, thanked, and shown that the job is finally covered. Which is why Euodia's question matters so much: *what has helped you get through until now?* People-pleasing got you through. It deserves acknowledgment for that, not contempt. And it is also allowed to be true that what got you through is now costing you more than it gives. ## What Else Causes People-Pleasing, Besides Fear? If the fawn response doesn't quite fit — if your history holds no storm to stay ahead of — the pattern may be running on a different fuel. Compassion Focused Therapy describes three emotional systems we move between: a threat system, built for detecting danger; a drive system, built for pursuing rewards; and a soothing system, built for rest and connection (Gilbert, 2010). Some people please from the threat system almost all the time. Pleasing began as a necessity and, repeated often enough, became simply what the body does. Others please from the drive system. Here, making someone happy isn't defence; it is reward. It delivers a hit of being liked, being chosen, being good at something. The scanning is still there, but it is scanning for the win rather than the danger. Both routes tend to converge on the same quiet belief: *if I can be useful, I am worth something*. Researchers sometimes describe this as *sociotropy*: a sense of worth that leans heavily on being accepted and needed by others (Bieling et al., 2000). Or its relational cousin — *if I do what they ask, then they will love me*. Pleasing becomes a way of proving to yourself, over and over, that you are lovable. The trouble is that proof obtained this way never settles. It has to be earned again tomorrow. There are other roads into the pattern, and many people travel more than one. Some of us absorbed the belief that a good person is rewarded and a rejected person must have deserved it, so pleasing became a kind of insurance. Some of us were raised in traditions that taught putting others first as the highest virtue, without anyone mentioning where the self was meant to go. And gender matters here: often girls and women are socialized more strongly toward accommodation and emotional caretaking, which can make pleasing feel less like a choice and more like a job description. It is worth naming one more possibility, briefly, because it can look identical from the outside. Sometimes we are not pleasing because we are walking on eggshells. We are pleasing because we need to be needed. That is closer to codependency than to fawning, and it deserves its own conversation, one we'll have in a separate piece. Whatever the road, the question is the same: what has this been giving you, and what is it now costing? ## Why Do People-Pleasing and Masking Overlap in ADHD and Autism? For many neurodivergent adults, there is a layer here that generic advice rarely touches, and it's much of what [neurodivergent-affirming therapy in Ontario](https://becomingyourself.com/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy-ontario) works with. Masking — the effort of monitoring and adjusting yourself to seem more like everyone else — runs on the same appeasement engine as people-pleasing, and the two patterns braid together until they are hard to tell apart. If you grew up autistic, ADHD, or AuDHD in environments that corrected your natural responses, you may have learned two lessons at once: *my instincts draw disapproval*, and *keeping people happy makes the disapproval stop.* We've written about[how the fawn response and masking work together](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/unmasking-autism-hidden-cost-of-masking), and the short version is that for many late-diagnosed adults, "people-pleasing" was never a personality trait. It was the only reliable way to be tolerated. Rejection sensitivity adds a second engine. When a raised eyebrow lands in the body like a verdict, monitoring other people's reactions is not neurotic — it is proportionate to how much a perceived rejection hurts. We've explored[how rejection sensitivity drives that relentless monitoring](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/what-is-rsd-signs-in-adhd-and-autism) and why it so often feeds the pleasing cycle rather than easing it. And for [gifted and twice-exceptional adults](https://becomingyourself.com/therapy-for-gifted-adults-in-ontario), there is often a third thread: being praised, early and often, for being easy, mature, and helpful — until being helpful became the only safe way to be seen at all. None of this makes the pattern more shameful. It makes it more understandable. A nervous system that learned to fawn in an environment built for other people's wiring was doing exactly what nervous systems are for. ## What Does People-Pleasing Cost You? The costs tend to arrive slowly, then all at once. Resentment that has no permission to be spoken, so it leaks out as exhaustion. Relationships in which you are deeply involved and strangely unknown — because the person everyone loves is the curated version, and some part of you knows it. A quiet erosion of self-trust: after enough years of overriding your own signals, it becomes hard to know what you want, or even what you feel. For neurodivergent adults whose interoception was never reliable to begin with, that erosion can be profound — the body's signals were faint, and pleasing taught us to ignore even those. *A quiet aside, if you're already recognizing yourself:* you don't need to finish reading before you reach out. We offer a free 20-minute video meet-and-greet for adults anywhere in Ontario — no preparation, nothing to justify, and you can’t get it wrong. [Meet our team and see who feels like the right fit →](https://becomingyourself.com/team) And if you'd rather keep reading first, that's exactly right too. ## How Do You Stop People-Pleasing, Gently and for Good? Most people find it lasts longer to understand the pattern before trying to change it.If you've always been the people-pleaser, here is the order we suggest, and it is deliberately different from the usual advice. **Understanding comes before changing.** If we skip the understanding, every boundary feels like a betrayal of the rules that kept us safe — and the pattern snaps back. As Euodia describes, “without understanding the function of people-pleasing, trying to change the pattern can backfire: You might not notice when you’re exhausting yourself by scanning the room on what everyone needs, or you might judge yourself harshly after putting up a boundary. For someone who people-pleases, sitting with the discomfort of change can reinforce that people-pleasing is the only way forward. Instead, recognizing that this pattern served a purpose leaves room to respond differently, in real time, when it no longer serves you. ### Step 1 — Name the pattern without shaming it Start by simply noticing: *there it is.* The automatic yes. The apology forming before anything has gone wrong. Try to notice it the way you'd notice weather — with interest, not judgment. Shame is not a change agent here; "it is often part of what keeps the pattern running (Gilbert, 2010)". ### Step 2 — Ask what it has been protecting you from When you catch the urge to please, get curious about the fear underneath. *If I disappoint them, then what? If I say no, then what?* The answers — rejection, anger, abandonment, being seen as too much or not enough — are the pattern's original job description. You are not silly for fearing these things. At some point, the fear was accurate. ### Step 3 — Check the danger against the present The fawn response was calibrated for an environment you may no longer live in. So ask, honestly: is this person, this relationship, this workplace actually unsafe — or is my nervous system responding to an old address? Sometimes the answer is "this situation is unsafe," and that information matters too. But often, the people around you now can survive your no. The updating happens slowly, through lived experience — each small honest moment teaches your system that the rules have changed. ### Step 4 — Practise small, low-stakes honesty Don't start with the hardest relationship in your life. Start where the stakes are low: a preference stated ("I'd rather meet Thursday"), a pause bought ("let me check and get back to you"), a minor no. What you are building is not assertiveness as a performance — it is tolerance for the discomfort of being slightly less pleasing and discovering that connection survives. For a fuller map of where limits can live, our piece on[boundaries for neurodivergent adults](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/the-importance-of-setting-boundaries) is a good companion. ### Step 5 — Expect the guilt (what happens when you stop people-pleasing)and let it be there When you first stop over-functioning for others, guilt arrives almost immediately. This is not evidence you've done something wrong; it is evidence you've done something different. Guilt is the old strategy's alarm going off. You can feel it and still not obey it. "Let it be there" does not mean sit inside it. It means notice it, name it — *there's the guilt* — and then decline to give it your attention. Guilt wants to pull you into a courtroom: reviewing the evidence, drafting the apology, planning how to make it up to someone. That is where the old strategy lives. You do not have to enter the room. A mental step back helps. Picture it, quite literally: you take one step backward, and the guilt stays where it was. You are no longer standing in it. You are standing beside it, close enough to see it, far enough that it no longer has your face in its hands. Then move your mind somewhere else on purpose. Trying not to think of the pink elephant tends to summon the pink elephant; the mind does not respond well to *don't*. What it responds to is *instead*. So think of the white fox. Turn toward the task in front of you, or toward something you have chosen ahead of time to return to — a phrase, an image, a small ritual that belongs to you. It doesn't need to be profound. It needs to be yours, and it needs to be somewhere other than the guilt. (Wegner et al., 1987) The alarm may sound again in ten minutes. That is fine. Notice, step back, white fox. Over time — and this is the quiet miracle of this work — the guilt gets smaller, and the self gets bigger. ### Step 6 — Let some of this be relational work Patterns learned in relationship tend to heal in relationship. Therapy is one place that can happen — a relationship where your no is welcomed, your preferences are of interest, and pleasing is not the price of belonging. That said, it is not the only place. A trustworthy friendship, a partner willing to hear the honest version of you — these count too. ## People-Pleasing vs. Kindness: Aren't We Just Talking About Being Kind? One fear we hear often: *if I stop people-pleasing, will I become selfish?* It's worth being precise here. Kindness is a value—something you choose freely, from fullness.  People-pleasing feels compulsory, something that chooses you, out of fear or the yearning to be needed. The proof is in how they feel afterward: kindness tends to leave you nourished; pleasing leaves you depleted and faintly resentful. Recovering from people-pleasing does not make you less kind. It makes your kindness real, because for the first time it is optional. A quote often attributed to Jung, the privilege of a lifetime to become who you truly are. Part of that privilege is discovering that the people worth keeping were never asking for the curated version. The harsh inner voice that polices all this — *you're selfish, you're letting everyone down* — deserves its own compassionate attention; we've written about that voice in our[guide to self-compassion for neurodivergent adults](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/acceptance-self-compassion-resilience-guide), and about the "shoulds" that keep it fed in[Overcoming the Shoulds](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/breaking-free-from-expectations). If you recognize yourself in this pattern, you don't have to unlearn it alone, and you certainly don't have to unlearn it by being harder on yourself. The first step with either of us is a free 20-minute video meet-and-greet, for adults anywhere in Ontario. [**Meet Euodia**](https://becomingyourself.com/euodia-leung), whose work centres on self-esteem and people-pleasing, and [book a meet-and-greet with Euodia →](https://becomingyourself.janeapp.com/#/staff_member/2) If masking and neurodivergence are part of your story, you're also welcome to **[book with Michael →](https://becomingyourself.janeapp.com/#/staff_member/1)** ## **Key Takeaways** - People-pleasing is usually a protective strategy, often a fawn response, not a character flaw. - Its signature is constant monitoring: scanning moods, pre-empting displeasure and overriding your own signals. - For many neurodivergent adults, people-pleasing and masking run together, and rejection sensitivity keeps both going. - Lasting change tends to follow an order: understand the pattern, check old fears against the present, then practise small honest moments. - Guilt is a sign of change, not wrongdoing. Kindness you choose freely is still kindness, and it becomes more real. **Frequently Asked Questions** ### Where can I get therapy for people-pleasing in Ontario? Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting offers virtual therapy for people-pleasing, self-esteem, and the fawn response to adults anywhere in Ontario. Both therapists are Registered Social Workers (RSW). Euodia Leung, MSW, RSW, focuses on self-esteem and people-pleasing; Michael Holker, MSW, RSW, supports neurodivergent adults whose pleasing and masking overlap. Start with a free 20-minute video meet-and-greet. ### What is the root cause of people-pleasing? Most often, people-pleasing develops as a learned safety strategy: in an environment where approval was conditional, moods were unpredictable, or conflict felt dangerous, keeping others happy became the most reliable way to stay safe and connected. Over time the strategy automates, continuing long after the original environment is gone. ### Is people-pleasing a trauma response? It can be. Many clinicians describe the fawn response, appeasing a source of threat instead of fighting, fleeing or freezing, as a fourth survival response, and chronic people-pleasing is one way it can show up in adult life. Not all people-pleasing traces to trauma, but when the pattern feels compulsive and frightening to break, a protective origin is worth exploring. ### Is people-pleasing the same as the fawn response? They overlap but aren't identical. The fawn response is a survival reflex: appeasement as protection when fighting or leaving wasn't safe. People-pleasing is how that reflex often looks in adult life. Some people-pleasing is simply learned habit; when it feels compulsory and frightening to stop, fawning is usually underneath it. ### What kind of childhood experiences lead to people-pleasing? Common threads include conditional approval (love that had to be earned through being good or useful), unpredictable or volatile caregivers, punishment or withdrawal in response to needs and emotions, and family roles that made a child responsible for an adult's feelings. A child adapts brilliantly to these conditions — and the adaptation persists into adulthood. ### Is people-pleasing connected to ADHD or autism? Frequently, yes. Many neurodivergent people learn early that their natural responses draw correction or rejection, and both masking and[rejection sensitivity](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/what-is-rsd-signs-in-adhd-and-autism) can drive intense monitoring of other people's reactions. People-pleasing and masking run on similar machinery, and for many late-diagnosed adults they are deeply intertwined — which is why unmasking and un-pleasing often happen together. ### What happens when you stop people-pleasing? Guilt usually arrives first. That isn't evidence you've done something wrong; it's evidence you've done something different. Some relationships may feel uncomfortable as they adjust, and a few may not. Many people also find more energy, clearer preferences and connections that feel more real, because the people around them are finally meeting the actual person. *This article is for education and reflection. It is not a substitute for individualized assessment or therapy.* ***About the authors:*** [*Michael Holker, MSW, RSW*](https://becomingyourself.com/michael-holker)*,is a Registered Social Worker offering neurodiversity-affirming therapy, and the founder of*[*Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting*](https://becomingyourself.com/)*, a virtual practice based in Toronto that serves adults across Ontario. He works with late-diagnosed and self-identified autistic, ADHD, AuDHD and gifted (2e) adults, bringing lived experience of neurodivergence to a trauma-informed, strengths-based approach.* [*Euodia Leung, MSW, RSW*](https://becomingyourself.com/euodia-leung)*,provides virtual therapy across Ontario at Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting. Her focus is anxiety, depression and self-esteem, and she draws on CBT, DBT, Mindful Self-Compassion and Motivational Interviewing within a trauma-informed practice.* *We wrote this piece together because the questions it explores sit where our work meets:* how a pattern that once kept someone safe can quietly shape a whole adult life, and what it takes to loosen its grip*. Both of us are registered with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers, and both of us offer a free 20-minute meet-and-greet.*[*Meet our team*](https://becomingyourself.com/team)*.*   ## References Bailey, R., Dugard, J., Smith, S. F., & Porges, S. W. (2023). Appeasement: Replacing Stockholm syndrome as a definition of a survival strategy. *European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14*(1), Article 2161038.[https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2022.2161038](https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2022.2161038) Bieling, P. J., Beck, A. T., & Brown, G. K. (2000). The Sociotropy–Autonomy Scale: Structure and implications. *Cognitive Therapy and Research, 24*(6), 763–780.[https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1005599714224](https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1005599714224) Gilbert, P. (2010). *Compassion-focused therapy: Distinctive features*. Routledge. Horney, K. (1945). *Our inner conflicts: A constructive theory of neurosis*. W. W. Norton. Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. *Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47*(8), 2519–2534.[https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5](https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5) Porges, S. W. (2011). *The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation*. W. W. Norton. Schlote, S. (2023). History of the term “appeasement”: A response to Bailey et al. (2023). *European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14*(2), Article 2183005.[https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2023.2183005](https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2023.2183005) Schwartz, R. C. (2021). *No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model*. Sounds True. Walker, P. (2013). *Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving*. Azure Coyote. *Wegner, D. M., Schneider, D. J., Carter, S. R., & White, T. L. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(1), 5–13. [https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.53.1.5](https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.53.1.5).* ## Blog Disclaimer This blog may include occasional personal reflections or composite-style anecdotes to illustrate therapeutic ideas and foster connection. Any identifying details have been altered, omitted, or generalized to protect confidentiality. These examples are shared for educational purposes only. Every person’s experience is unique, and what resonates with one individual may not apply to another. The content on this website is provided for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this blog does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you have concerns about your mental health, physical health, or overall well-being, please consult a qualified healthcare provider or licensed mental health professional. Psychotherapy services described on this website are available to residents of Ontario, in accordance with applicable professional standards and the scope of practice. If you are interested in working together or would like to schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation, you are welcome to contact me through my practice. These resources are offered to support reflection, learning, and self-understanding as you move toward a more grounded, authentic, and meaningful life. Tags: [RSD](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/rsd) [neurodiversity-affirming therapy](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy) [Unmasking](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/unmasking) [Trauma and Co-occurring](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/trauma-and-co-occurring) [Relationships and Boundaries](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/tag/relationships-and-boundaries) ![Michael Holker MSW, RSW](https://becomingyourself.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Mike%20Smile.png?width=120&height=120&name=Mike%20Smile.png) **[Michael Holker MSW, RSW](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/author/michael-holker-msw-rsw)** Oct 14, 2026, 9:31:55 PM Michael Holker, MSW, RSW, is a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist who practices neurodiversity-affirming therapy and is the founder of Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting — a virtual practice based in Toronto that serves adults across Ontario. He works with late-diagnosed and self-identified autistic, ADHD, AuDHD and gifted (2e) adults, bringing lived experience of neurodivergence to a trauma-informed, strengths-based approach. He practises alongside Euodia Leung, MSW, RSW, whose focus is anxiety, depression and self-esteem. Book a free 20-minute meet-and-greet. [Follow me on my website](https://becomingyourself.com) [Follow me on Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/BecomingYourslf) [Follow me on LinkedIn](https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-holker-09986093/) ## Related Articles [![Living With RSD: How to Manage Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria as a Neurodivergent Adult in Ontario](https://becomingyourself.com/hs-fs/hubfs/RSD.webp?width=500&height=500&name=RSD.webp) Living With RSD: How to Manage Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria as a Neurodivergent Adult in Ontario Michael Holker MSW, RSW • Jun 30, 2026, 9:00:02 AM](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/rsd-management-for-neurodivergent-adults-in-ontario) [![What is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria & Signs You Experience It](https://becomingyourself.com/hs-fs/hubfs/RSD%20Blog.webp?width=500&height=500&name=RSD%20Blog.webp) What is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria & Signs You Experience It Michael Holker MSW, RSW • Dec 23, 2025, 3:27:52 PM](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/what-is-rsd-signs-in-adhd-and-autism) [![Becoming Yourself Logo ](https://becomingyourself.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Social%20Media%20Logo%20-%20Secondary%20Light-4.png?width=228&height=87&name=Social%20Media%20Logo%20-%20Secondary%20Light-4.png "Becoming Yourself Logo ")](https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/BecomingYourselSolidColoursNoWordingTransparent-2.png) 1108 - 250 Consumers Rd. #413 North York, ON M2J4V6 (For Mailing Purposes Only)  Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting provides neurodiversity-affirming online therapy for adults across Ontario. Virtual Counselling is available across Ontario, including Toronto, Ottawa, Hamilton, London, Kitchener-Waterloo, Mississauga, and beyond. **THERAPY FOR:** [ADHD](https://becomingyourself.com/adhd-therapy-for-adults-in-ontario) [AUTISM](https://becomingyourself.com/autism-therapy-for-adults-in-ontario) [AuDHD](https://becomingyourself.com/audhd-therapy-in-ontario) [Gifted & Neurodivergent (2e)](https://becomingyourself.com/therapy-for-gifted-adults-in-ontario) **DISCOVER:** [Home](https://becomingyourself.com) [Services & Approach](https://becomingyourself.com/neurodiversity-affirming-therapy-ontario) [Our Team](https://becomingyourself.com/team) [Contact](https://becomingyourself.com/contact) [On Becoming Yourself Blog](https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself) © 2026 Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting.  All rights reserved. [Privacy Policy](https://becomingyourself.com/privacy)   [Website Terms of Use](https://becomingyourself.com/website-terms-of-use) ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@type" : "BlogPosting", "author" : { "@type" : "Person", "name" : "Michael Holker MSW, RSW", "url" : "https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/author/michael-holker-msw-rsw" }, "dateModified" : "2026-10-15T01:31:55.061Z", "datePublished" : "2026-10-15T01:31:55.000Z", "headline" : "How to Stop People-Pleasing: The Fawn Response Behind It", "image" : [ "https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/PeoplePleasingFawnResponse.webp" ], "mainEntityOfPage" : { "@id" : "https://becomingyourself.com/onbecomingyourself/how-to-stop-people-pleasing-fawn-response", "@type" : "WebPage" }, "publisher" : { "@type" : "Organization", "logo" : { "@type" : "ImageObject", "url" : "https://becomingyourself.com/hubfs/BecomingYourselSolidColoursNoWordingTransparent-1.png" }, "name" : "Becoming Yourself Counselling" } } ``` ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@id" : "https://becomingyourself.com/#website", "@type" : "WebSite", "inLanguage" : "en-CA", "name" : "Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting", "publisher" : { "@id" : "https://becomingyourself.com/#org" }, "url" : "https://becomingyourself.com/" } ``` ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@id" : "https://becomingyourself.com/#org", "@type" : [ "Organization", "ProfessionalService" ], "address" : { "@type" : "PostalAddress", "addressCountry" : "CA", "addressLocality" : "North York", "addressRegion" : "ON", "postalCode" : "M2J 4V6", "streetAddress" : "1108 - 250 Consumers Road #413" }, "alternateName" : [ "Becoming Yourself Counselling", "Becoming Yourself Counselling & Consulting" ], "areaServed" : [ { "@type" : "AdministrativeArea", "containsPlace" : [ { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Toronto" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Ottawa" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Mississauga" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Brampton" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Hamilton" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "London" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Kitchener" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Waterloo" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Windsor" }, { "@type" : "City", "name" : "Kingston" } ], "name" : "Ontario" } ], "contactPoint" : { "@type" : "ContactPoint", "areaServed" : "CA-ON", "availableLanguage" : [ "en" ], "contactType" : "customer support", "email" : "michael@becomingyourself.com", "telephone" : "+1-289-278-6272" }, "description" : "Becoming Yourself Counselling and Consulting is a neurodiversity-affirming virtual therapy practice serving adults across Ontario through Registered Social Workers Michael Holker and Euodia Leung. 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Both therapists are Registered Social Workers (RSW). Euodia Leung, MSW, RSW, focuses on self-esteem and people-pleasing; Michael Holker, MSW, RSW, supports neurodivergent adults whose pleasing and masking overlap. Start with a free 20-minute video meet-and-greet." }, "name" : "Where can I get therapy for people-pleasing in Ontario?" }, { "@type" : "Question", "acceptedAnswer" : { "@type" : "Answer", "text" : "Most often, people-pleasing develops as a learned safety strategy: in an environment where approval was conditional, moods were unpredictable, or conflict felt dangerous, keeping others happy became the most reliable way to stay safe and connected. Over time the strategy automates, continuing long after the original environment is gone." }, "name" : "What is the root cause of people-pleasing?" }, { "@type" : "Question", "acceptedAnswer" : { "@type" : "Answer", "text" : "It can be. Many clinicians describe the fawn response, appeasing a source of threat instead of fighting, fleeing or freezing, as a fourth survival response, and chronic people-pleasing is one way it can show up in adult life. Not all people-pleasing traces to trauma, but when the pattern feels compulsive and frightening to break, a protective origin is worth exploring." }, "name" : "Is people-pleasing a trauma response?" }, { "@type" : "Question", "acceptedAnswer" : { "@type" : "Answer", "text" : "They overlap but aren't identical. The fawn response is a survival reflex: appeasement as protection when fighting or leaving wasn't safe. People-pleasing is how that reflex often looks in adult life. Some people-pleasing is simply learned habit; when it feels compulsory and frightening to stop, fawning is usually underneath it." }, "name" : "Is people-pleasing the same as the fawn response?" }, { "@type" : "Question", "acceptedAnswer" : { "@type" : "Answer", "text" : "Common threads include conditional approval (love that had to be earned through being good or useful), unpredictable or volatile caregivers, punishment or withdrawal in response to needs and emotions, and family roles that made a child responsible for an adult's feelings. A child adapts brilliantly to these conditions — and the adaptation persists into adulthood." }, "name" : "What kind of childhood experiences lead to people-pleasing?" }, { "@type" : "Question", "acceptedAnswer" : { "@type" : "Answer", "text" : "Frequently, yes. Many neurodivergent people learn early that their natural responses draw correction or rejection, and both masking and rejection sensitivity can drive intense monitoring of other people's reactions. People-pleasing and masking run on similar machinery, and for many late-diagnosed adults they are deeply intertwined — which is why unmasking and un-pleasing often happen together." }, "name" : "Is people-pleasing connected to ADHD or autism?" }, { "@type" : "Question", "acceptedAnswer" : { "@type" : "Answer", "text" : "Guilt usually arrives first. That isn't evidence you've done something wrong; it's evidence you've done something different. Some relationships may feel uncomfortable as they adjust, and a few may not. Many people also find more energy, clearer preferences and connections that feel more real, because the people around them are finally meeting the actual person." }, "name" : "What happens when you stop people-pleasing?" } ] } ```