I remember the day I got my promotion. Instead of celebrating, I felt myself shrinking inside. The fluorescent lights seemed extra harsh, and the room felt brighter than usual. As my colleagues congratulated me, my boss quietly said, "You're really setting the bar high." That comment felt both good and a little overwhelming. Deep down, I heard the old message: "Don’t stand out too much. Don’t ask for too much." I’d heard that voice long before I ever got a promotion.
Many neurodivergent adults, especially those of us with both autistic and ADHD traits, know the pattern of succeeding and then shrinking back. Tall poppy syndrome is when people are criticized or cut down for standing out. For AuDHD adults, standing out might have helped us survive, adapt, or share our strengths. Still, celebrating these qualities can feel risky because old habits tell us to stay small and avoid attention.
In this post, we’ll look at how tall poppy syndrome affects neurodivergent adults, why self-compassion matters, and how you can use therapy-based exercises to embrace your strengths, honor your needs, and quiet your inner critic.
Tall poppy syndrome (TPS) originates from the metaphor of flowers that grow taller than their neighbours and get cut down. In modern life, it appears when someone’s success or difference triggers resentment, criticism, or isolation.
For AuDHD adults, TPS might look like:
Why might neurodivergent adults be especially vulnerable?
Pause and ask yourself: When you succeed or shine, what inner voice stirs? How quickly do you steer away from the spotlight? Remember that your initial responses don't have to be perfect or complete. Allow yourself to jot down even those messy, half-formed thoughts as they come. It's in these 'bird-by-bird' scribbles that clarity and understanding can eventually take shape.
If the tall poppy voice inside says, “Shrink, you’re too much”, then self-compassion speaks: “Your strength is valid. You matter.”
Research validates this: self-compassion is positively associated with well-being in adults with ADHD symptoms. It supports a kind, steady relationship with yourself rather than one based on performance or hiding. For AuDHD adults, this means acknowledging not only challenges—but also the rich, often hidden strengths: pattern-recognition, hyper-focus, divergent thinking, intense loyalty, and more.
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) offers a structured way to develop this relationship. In recent trials, CFT showed effectiveness in improving compassion-based outcomes in adult populations.
By cultivating self-compassion, we can:
Reflection: What one strength of yours do you find hard to honour? What happens when you imagine accepting it as worthy?
Here are two exercises designed for neurodivergent adults who deal with tall poppy dynamics. You might want to print or download a worksheet to track your responses. To make the experience more comfortable, try adjusting your environment. For example, use dim lighting to reduce sensory overload or a weighted blanket for comfort. These small changes can help make the exercises feel more welcoming and useful.
Many AuDHD adults have a history of being “chopped down” for their natural brilliance. We stood out for our creativity, attention to detail, passion, focus, and empathy. Instead of support, we often received criticism, comparison, or rejection. Over time, we learned that shrinking felt safer than shining.
That habit doesn’t disappear just because we become adults.
This habit can turn inward and become a careful inner critic, trying to keep us from being too much. It might sound like self-judgment, but underneath is fear. If I stand tall again, I might get hurt again.
This exercise supports a more accurate and compassionate self-appraisal: acknowledging your strengths, the impact of past pruning, and the truth that shrinking may no longer protect you.
Sit comfortably and place a hand gently over your heart or chest, choosing a spot that feels grounding.
Imagine yourself as a tall, strong poppy growing naturally toward the light. Notice your colours, your shape, and the unique qualities that make you who you are.
As you imagine expanding a bit taller, listen for any thoughts or sensations that try to pull you back:
Not so fast.
Don’t draw attention.
That’s bragging.
People won’t like you if you grow.
Notice where you feel that message in your body, such as a clench in your stomach, heaviness in your chest, or a tendency to avoid eye contact.
Speak to that inner protector:
“I know you learned shrinking as safety. Thank you for trying to protect me.”
This is important. We don’t fight the critic; instead, we recognize that it comes from pain and survival. Pushing back against it often just makes it louder.
Name one strength that has been “pruned” by others:
Then ask:
Write one statement that affirms the reality of its value.
Acknowledge that not every environment honours tall poppies.
You can say:
Some people may not value this strength, but that does not make it unworthy.
This is compassion that sees things as they are.
Close with safety and possibility.
Place your hand back on your chest and say:
“I am allowed to grow in the direction of who I am.”
Breathe into that space for three slow breaths.
Here are some ways to bring these exercises into everyday life:
You might never completely quiet your inner critic, but you can learn to hear it in a new way, treat yourself with more kindness, and feel safer standing tall.
If you have felt the pressure to shrink to fit in, you are not alone, and you are not wrong. For AuDHD adults, the urge to hide excellence or differences can linger for years. Recognizing this pattern is the first step, and choosing to respond differently is the next.
Self-compassion isn’t a luxury; it is a reclaiming of your right to stand tall. The world may not always cheer us on, but we can become our own champions. We can honour our successes, our strange wiring, our authentic presence.
If this content speaks to you, exploring therapy may offer support at your own pace. You’re welcome to explore more resources or reach out to Becoming Yourself Counselling & Consulting.
Michael Holker, MSW, RSW, offers psychotherapy and counselling for adults in Ontario. You can learn more about my services and approach here or connect for a free Meet & Greet in Ontario.