Overcoming the ‘Shoulds’ and Embracing Authenticity

Ever felt trapped by societal expectations? Explore how Karen Horney’s insights can help you reclaim your authentic self

“To find a mountain path all by oneself gives a greater feeling of strength than to take a path that is shown.” —Karen Horney

When I first started reading Karen Horney’s Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization, I began to resonate with her ideas and explore my own life in new ways. Horney’s exploration of the tension between our authentic selves and the idealized versions shaped by societal expectations pointed out my own struggles. It was as if she had given words to the silent battles many of us face daily, especially those who are neurodivergent.

The Tyranny of the ‘Shoulds’: Breaking Free from External Pressures

Horney introduced the concept of the “tyranny of the shoulds,” a compelling framework that describes how we often feel compelled to act according to external expectations rather than our genuine desires. She wrote, “The ‘should’ is the expression of the idealized image. It is the means by which the image exerts its power over the person” (Horney, 1950, p. 64). This internalized pressure can lead to a profound self-alienation, creating an internal conflict between who we are and who we believe we must be.

For neurodivergent individuals, this tyranny can be even more oppressive. Society frequently imposes a narrow definition of “normal,” compelling those who think or behave differently to mask in order to fit in. This masking isn’t just about social conformity; it’s about survival in a world that often misunderstands or devalues neurodiversity.

Reflection: How have societal expectations shaped your perception of yourself? Reflect on the “shoulds” that govern your actions. Are they aligned with your authentic desires or represent external pressures?

Masking: The Hidden Cost for Neurodivergent Individuals

Neurodivergent Masking involves suppressing natural behaviours and adopting those that are deemed acceptable by society's standards, and while it may facilitate social interactions and help when we are at work, it comes at a significant cost. The constant effort to maintain this façade can lead to anxiety, depression, and a deep-seated sense of inauthenticity. Horney observed that such individuals “are alienated from their real selves by the pursuit of glory” (Horney, 1950, p. 17). This ‘pursuit of glory’ is the striving to fulfill the idealized self-image. I called my process of disconnection from my authenticity, self-alienation.

In my practice, I have witnessed how masking exacerbates the inner conflict within neurodivergent clients. They often describe feeling like actors in their own lives, disconnected from their true selves. The societal structures and expectations that don't consider the needs of neurodivergent people become obstacles to their growth. The fears of rejection, abandonment, judgment, and criticism reinforce the need for masking, perpetuating a cycle of tension and not feeling safe to be ourselves.

Reflection: In what ways do you mask or suppress your true self to fit in? Consider situations where you might alter your behaviour to meet others’ expectations. How does this affect your well-being?

Society’s Role in Shaping Our False Selves

Horney differed from traditional psychoanalysts by emphasizing the impact of society on individual psychology. She argued that “the culture in which we live and our cultural history determine the specific forms in which neurotic tendencies will express themselves” (Horney, 1950, p. 12). This perspective highlights how societal pressures can hinder personal growth by promoting ideals that are unattainable or misaligned with an individual’s true nature.

For neurodivergent people, societal expectations often demand that they suppress their unique ways of processing, thinking, and interacting with the world. This suppression leads to a disconnect between their inner experiences and outer expressions, causing strain and stress that diverts energy away from self-realization. We often end up in a survival mode, living as a false self in order to ‘fit in,’ never truly attaining the belonging we seek and usually experiencing the challenges of being burnt out from the futile attempt to become someone we are not.

The Existential Struggle: Finding Meaning Beyond Expectations

This internal conflict isn’t just psychological; it’s existential. It’s a struggle to find meaning and purpose that aligns with one’s values rather than those imposed by society. Viktor Frankl stated, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves” (Frankl, 1946). This change isn’t about conforming to expectations but about embracing authenticity.

In Neurosis and Human Growth, Horney emphasized that self-realization involves moving away from the idealized self toward embracing the real self. She wrote, “The urge toward self-realization is a universal biological force, a constructive force inherent in human nature” (Horney, 1950, p. 15). This process often included developing the capacity for self-awareness, self-compassion, and the courage to defy the “shoulds” that have been internalized over time.

Personal Reflections on Embracing Authenticity

Neurosis and Human Growth is one of the few books that I was inspired to read a second time, and Horney’s work was transformative for me. It altered my perspective on my own experiences, tensions and feelings of self-alienation. I realized that my struggles were not due to personal failings but were influenced heavily by societal expectations that clashed with my way of processing my traits and values. This alleviated the burden of self-blame and opened a path toward self-acceptance.

In my therapeutic practice, I’ve incorporated these insights to create a safe space for clients to explore their identities. By fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding, clients can develop self-awareness and self-compassion. They begin to identify their own values, separate from societal expectations, and discover authentic meaning in their lives.

Strategies for Nurturing the Authentic Self

Build Self-awareness through Reflection.

Moving toward authenticity involves recognizing and challenging the internalized “shoulds.” It requires questioning whose expectations we are striving to meet and why. Horney identified three primary ways people cope with inner conflicts:

• Moving toward people (self-effacing solution). Self-effacing individuals strive to please others at the expense of their own needs, suppressing their desires to avoid conflict.
• Moving against people (expansive solution). Expansive individuals seek power and control, masking their vulnerabilities with aggression or dominance.
• Moving away from people (resignation). Resigned individuals detach emotionally, withdrawing to protect themselves from potential hurt.

Each represents a strategy to handle anxiety and insecurity but often leads further away from the real self. These strategies can lead to self-hatred and rejection of the self because they are grounded in fear and inauthenticity. Horney noted, “The tragedy is that the neurotic’s solution, which he believes will bring him peace, actually leads to greater anxiety” (Horney, 1950, p. 40). How many times have you sacrificed your needs for others? How often have you sought to control the situation to feel safer? Did you exert demands aggressively? How frequently do you find yourself withdrawing from others, never giving them a chance to get to know the real you, pushing them away? We all use these strategies to varying degrees, and with conscious effort and increased awareness, we can start changing these coping strategies to more healthy ways of relating to ourselves and others.

Reflection: How can you cultivate self-awareness and self-compassion on your journey toward authenticity? Explore practices such as mindfulness, journaling, or therapy that support self-discovery, compassion and acceptance.

Create Safe Environments for Growth

An essential aspect of fostering authenticity is recognizing the role of the environment. Alexander Den Heijer wisely said, “When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.” This metaphor highlights the importance of supportive surroundings that nurture rather than stifle growth.

For neurodivergent individuals, creating or finding environments and groups of friends that celebrate neurodiversity is an important aspect of our growth. It might involve seeking communities that value authenticity, advocating for systemic changes, or working with a neuro-affirming therapist who understands the unique challenges you face.

Reflection: What environments make you feel safe to express your authentic self? Assess and Identify spaces or relationships where you can be yourself without fear of judgment.

Embracing the Authentic Self

As I learned to embrace my authentic self, I noticed reduced tensions and anxieties that once seemed omnipresent. The energy previously spent on conforming to external expectations became available for pursuing passions aligned with my true values. Horney asserted, “The individual has the capacity to grow, provided he is not hindered by obstacles” (Horney, 1950, p. 15).

This journey isn’t about seeking an easy life but finding meaning in the struggle. Frankl believed that “suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning” (Frankl, 1946). By confronting and understanding our inner conflicts, we can transform them into catalysts for growth.

Foster Self-compassion and Acceptance

Embracing authenticity is a courageous journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. It’s about peeling away the layers of societal expectations to reveal the real self underneath. Horney’s insights provide a roadmap for this journey, emphasizing that the struggle toward self-realization is both a personal and universal endeavour.

In my own life, integrating these principles has been transformative. It inspired the name of my therapy practice, which symbolizes the growth and freedom that comes with embracing the path toward becoming yourself. We can support ourselves and others in this journey by creating safe environments and fostering self-understanding

We all have the innate capacity for growth and self-realization. By acknowledging the impact of societal pressures and choosing to nurture our authentic selves, we can alleviate inner conflicts and lead more meaningful lives. The goal isn’t to fix ourselves, it’s to create environments where we can flourish just as we are.

It’s okay to take small steps toward authenticity - growth is a journey, not a race.

What is one ‘should’ you’ve internalized that no longer serves you? How can you take one step toward letting it go?

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” E.E Cummings

Ready to explore your authentic self? Schedule a consultation to begin your journey toward self-realization.

Resources:

Cummings, E.E (2016). E. E. Cummings: Complete Poems 1904–1962. Liveright Publishing Corporation.

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press. (Original work published 1946)

Horney, K. (1991). Neurosis and human growth: The struggle toward self-realization. W.W. Norton & Company. (Original work published 1950)

Blog Disclaimer:

Personal Anecdotes and Confidentiality

You may come across personal anecdotes shared within the content. These stories are used to illustrate concepts and foster a sense of connection. To protect confidentiality, details have been changed, ensuring that no identifying information is shared. I often use these personal anecdotes to convey ideas while safeguarding the privacy of individuals. However, it’s important to remember that everyone’s journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another.

Disclaimer

Please note that the information shared here is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider regarding any medical concerns or conditions you may have.

Given the diversity of life experiences, not all messages may resonate with everyone. This blog is not a substitute for professional mental health care. For specialized guidance, consult a licensed professional.

Psychotherapy services are available to residents of Ontario. Please contact me for more information about my practice and to schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation.

We hope you will find these resources beneficial as you pursue a more authentic and fulfilling life.