Moving Beyond Norms to Embrace Authentic Self-Actualization
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” — Howard Thurman
I still remember a time when I was working toward a promotion that seemed like the pinnacle of success—at least on paper. I spent countless evenings trying to meet expectations, ticking off boxes that others had set for me. When I finally achieved it, I looked around and felt…empty. I had reached the “finish line,” but the victory rang hollow.
As a neurodivergent adult, I’ve known the fatigue of chasing milestones designed for someone else’s way of operating. Maybe you know this too: the pressure of “shoulds,” the constant striving, the nagging whisper: Is this really success?
For many of us with ADHD, Autism, AuDHD, or giftedness, mainstream definitions of achievement feel disconnected.
What feels more sustaining is when success is measured in aliveness—when our days reflect our values, energy, creativity, and humanity.
This is not about lowering the bar. It’s about moving the bar to a place that makes sense for who we really are.
The Universal Quest for Meaning
Across time and cultures, human beings have asked, "What makes a life meaningful?" The answers often circle back to milestones, including wealth, career advancement, recognition, family structure, and status. These can provide comfort or stability—but when held as the only markers of worth, they leave many feeling disillusioned.
Even those who achieve them often ask, “Is this it?”
For neurodivergent adults, the disconnect can feel even sharper. Our ways of thinking, sensing, and creating rarely line up with linear expectations. We may pour energy into surviving a world that misunderstands us, only to realize the conventional trophies of success do not bring peace.
Reflection Question: When you think of success, does it feel expansive and alive—or constricted and pressured?
A Neurodivergent Lens on Success
For neurodivergent adults, success often doesn’t look like a ladder. It seems more like a spiral, a constellation, or a rhythm.
Autistic adults may define success as achieving sensory balance, pursuing special interests with passion, or living authentically without needing to mask.
ADHDers may thrive in bursts of creativity and innovation, valuing novelty and freedom more than rigid stability.
Gifted or twice-exceptional adults may be lauded for intellect while privately wrestling with exhaustion, loneliness, or self-doubt.
AuDHDers often navigate the tension between needing structure and craving flexibility, redefining success as a dance between both.
To redefine success, ADHD and Autism is to embrace truths like:
- Success is nonlinear. It ebbs and flows in cycles of energy, rest, inspiration, and renewal.
- Authenticity matters more than conformity. Thriving happens when we honour our rhythms, not when we squeeze into someone else’s mould.
- Rest, joy, and connection count. A quiet day of nervous system regulation can matter as much as any professional win.
Reflection Question: What aspects of your neurodivergence point you toward a more authentic version of success?
Therapy-Informed Insights for Redefining Success
- ACT and Values-Based Living
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) invites us to ask: What matters most to me? For a neurodivergent adult, success may not mean “climbing the ladder,” but instead creating a life aligned with values such as curiosity, compassion, or freedom. - DBT and the Balance of Opposites
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy reminds us of “both/and truths.” You can long for impact and also need deep rest. For neurodivergent success, integrating both achievement and rest is not failure; it’s balance. - CFT and Compassion Over Comparison
Compassion-focused therapy helps quiet the harsh self-critic. Instead of asking, “Am I doing enough to keep up?” you might ask, “Am I living with kindness toward myself?” - Polyvagal Theory: Regulation as Success
Our nervous systems are central to our experience of life. For many neurodivergent people, creating sensory-friendly environments, scheduling downtime, or engaging in grounding practices isn’t indulgent—it’s success itself.
If you’re exploring ADHD management or considering looking for a registered social worker for adult ADHD therapy, working with a neurodivergent-informed professional through Becoming Yourself Counselling Online can help you redefine success in a more balanced, compassionate way.
If the reflections in this blog resonate with you, if you’d like to explore your therapy goals, you’re welcome to connect with Becoming Yourself Counselling & Consulting.
Michael Holker, MSW, RSW, offers psychotherapy and counselling for adults in Ontario. You can learn more about my services and approach here.
You are welcome to reach out to learn more or to request a free Meet-and-Greet to see if this support is right for you.
Self-Actualization as a Neurodivergent Adult
Mainstream narratives often frame self-actualization as a process of continually climbing upward. However, for neurodivergent adults, self-actualization often resembles weaving threads into a tapestry.
It might mean:
- Choosing a nonlinear career path.
- Structuring your days around energy cycles.
- Prioritizing meaningful connection over “networking.”
- Defining your worth through depth, not breadth.
Self-actualization, neurodivergent, is not about “fixing yourself.” It’s about becoming yourself.
Success is not about becoming someone else’s idea of you; it’s about living into who you already are.
Reflection Question: If you defined success as authenticity, how would your daily life shift?
Aliveness as the True Measure
Maybe success isn’t measured in titles, income, or accolades, but in aliveness:
Do I feel engaged and curious?
Do I honour my sensory and emotional needs?
Do I feel connected to people who see me as I am?
Mainstream culture suggests that success is about “doing more.” Neurodivergent success often means “being more”—more present, more authentic, more rested, more compassionate.
This reframing is both radical and liberating. It resists the narrative that worth equals productivity and instead centres life that is sustainable, creative, and real.
Redefining success as a neurodivergent adult isn’t about lowering standards—it’s about changing the measure. Neurodivergent success is about living meaningfully, resting unapologetically, creating authentically, and finding belonging in ways that nourish you.
At Becoming Yourself Counselling Online, we help neurodivergent adults explore what success can look like on their own terms—through reflection, compassionate tools, and values-driven living. Whether you’re navigating ADHD management or seeking adult ADHD therapy, we provide supportive, strengths-based guidance to help you thrive authentically.
If you’re ready to redefine success in a way that feels alive, Becoming Yourself Counselling Online is a safe place to begin that journey.
FAQs: Redefining Success for Neurodivergent Adults
Q1: What does success mean for neurodivergent people?
A1: Neurodivergent success often means living authentically, aligning with one's values, and striking a balance between rest, creativity, and connection, rather than adhering to rigid cultural scripts.
Q2: How can ADHD and Autism shape someone’s definition of success?
A2: ADHD and Autism bring strengths like creativity, hyperfocus, and passion, but may clash with rigid structures. Redefining success means embracing these strengths while developing supportive habits such as intentional ADHD management.
Q3: What therapy approaches help with redefining success?
A3: ACT, DBT, compassion-focused therapy, mindfulness, and polyvagal-informed approaches support self-actualization for neurodivergent individuals. These are often integrated into adult ADHD therapy sessions at Becoming Yourself Counselling Online.
Q4: How do I know if my definition of success is authentic?
A4: Authentic success feels energizing, peaceful, and aligned with your values. Internalized versions feel pressured, comparative, or rooted in “shoulds.”
Q5: Can therapy help with self-actualization as a neurodivergent adult?
A5: Absolutely. Therapy offers reflection, tools, and compassionate support to help neurodivergent adults achieve authentic and sustainable fulfillment. Services like Becoming Yourself Counselling Online specialize in helping you rediscover purpose and well-being on your own terms.
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